Detroit is getting a new cafe
Dear Saa Nasta readers,
In this week of Saa Nasta Newsletter, Hamtramck’s Kitab Cafe is opening a second location in Detroit. There’s a chance for us to learn from our grief. There’s also a job opening in Hamtramck.
Hope you take a moment to reflect and find pockets of joy.
Sincerely,
Nargis
Kitab Cafe and Bookstore to open Detroit location
One of Hamtramck’s Yemeni-owned cafes, Kitab Cafe and Bookstore is set to open a new location at the former Avalon Bakery in Detroit. Owners Ahmed Alwhysee and Asma Almulaiki opened Kitab in Hamtramck last year. It has since become a community staple. Alwhysee and Almulaiki tell Detroit Free Press reporter Nushrat Rahman that they hope to leave a positive impact on the community.
Here are five tips on balancing joy with sadness
by Nargis Hakim Rahman
The past year has been laced with hardships during the pandemic, from economic loss to parenting struggles to losing loved ones due to COVID and otherwise. A lot of us – me included – want to seek joy after so many challenges (and rightfully so). We need some joy and color in our lives, however we are continuously processing grief and must thoughtfully do that to be able to seek happiness.
Grief doesn’t just “go away,” nor can it be suppressed to simply pursue happiness and good things. Grief is a natural process of healing. It’s like making amends with unfinished business – albeit business you didn’t realize needed tending to. For many of us, it’s not really about overcoming grief but rather learning to manage it or carry it within the multifaceted complexities and joys of our lives.
In Islamic culture, people (often women) visit the homes of those who lose a loved one, sometimes sending over food, visiting to see how one is doing and giving words of condolences. You don’t wait to be invited over. We (especially men) also attend the janazah and burial, the prayer services following a death, which are communal responsibilities of Muslims upon each other.
With COVID, many of these communal practices were paused, modified or simply limited to only a handful of people being allowed to attend outdoor funerals and burials. Sometimes, especially in the chaotic earlier months of COVID, janazah prayers were unable to be performed. Many lost loved ones who passed alone in hospitals – COVID or not – due to the challenging restrictions that came with the pandemic.
Now with more people getting vaccinated, some are able to return to visiting people in person to offer comfort, while others are making phone calls to implore how others are doing. Meanwhile, community chat groups, and mosque robocall systems are flooded with obituaries and death announcements. It’s like inna lilahi wa inna ilayhi rajioon is programmed into everyone’s phones.
For me, one after the other, names start hitting closer and closer to home: A family friend, an uncle, an aunt’s father and then a cousin’s father-in-law. More names became familiar, more plans were cleared to tend to our loved ones – from larger-than-life community members to elderly, quiet private citizens.
When the dust settles there is one lingering question that I have found myself reflecting on from time to time again: What have I learned from this grief?
The Ways Grief Changes Us
As my cousin says, grieving comes in waves. It isn’t a one-time thing. It lingers way past the three initial days of grieving, or the four lunar months and 10 days for widows who mourn their spouses. It unexpectedly makes us seek changes, for better or for worse in our lives.
Here are five ways that grief unexpectedly changed me and what I'm doing with this knowledge. Hopefully, my learned lessons will help you, too:
1. Process your feelings toward the one(s) who passed. You might not know the person who has passed away or had a deep connection with them. However, their passing may still impact the way you live your life. Perhaps the community uncle will no longer be smiling at your local grocery store, or you won’t be seeing your aunt at the usual family gatherings, or a friend is no longer available to hang out after losing a parent.
Simply put, things change when people pass away. It’s okay to feel sad and acknowledge how life has changed beyond that moment. Often, people’s life trajectory is simply pre- or post-someone’s death. Sometimes we even grieve a relationship with a person before they pass.
Yaqeen Institute put out this coping guide to help you on a step-by-step process. Explore your grief and learn the steps of how to process it.
2. It’s natural to feel regret for what could have been. With the passing of closer relatives, I wondered if I could have seen them one more time. If so, what conversations would I have had? What relationship would I have forged? What lessons would I want to have learned through those conversations? What parts of history do I no longer have access to with their passing. While this is a long list of “what ifs,” I implored myself to say Alhamdulillah for the opportunities I did have to connect. May He give baraqah (blessings) in the moments we did share. Forgive yourself for what you could have been and accept that you did your best.
3. Make du’a for the people beyond their passing. Mourning is not a one-time deal. We can always make du’a for those who have died and ask Allah (S) to forgive them. We can follow-up with the loved ones left behind to cherish their memories and honor any traditions they had. There are three things that someone who has passed continues to benefit from. This is known as Sadaqah Jariyah, or a continuous charity:
On the authority of Abu Hurairah (ra) that the Messenger of Allah (saw) said, “When a person dies, his deeds come to an end except for three: Sadaqah Jariyah (a continuous charity), or knowledge from which benefit is gained, or a righteous child who prays for him.” [Muslim]
To expect someone to pray for us after we leave this world means that we have to instill those practices around us before it’s our own time. We have to practice these traditions with those around us.
One of the best du’as kids can make for their parents after their passing is:
رَّبِّ ارۡحَمۡهُمَا كَمَا رَبَّيٰنِىۡ صَغِيۡرًا
My Lord, have mercy upon them as they brought me up [when I was] small.
4. Preparing for your own death. Death makes you realize how small matters really are. The things that may seem like a big deal no longer feel as heavy and burdening. A person leaves your narrative, and now you have to focus on, what legacy do I want to leave behind? Am I doing everything I want to be doing to prepare for my akhirah? If my time is near, am I ready to go?
Do I have all my matters taken care of? Debt paid off? Am I prepared to move on in the afterlife? Have I instilled good values in those around me? Are my deeds going to speak for themselves? Are my intentions pure? Can I increase my good deeds? Are there areas for improvement? Begin them now.
This could be from praying on time, to including dhikr, or the remembrance of God, into your daily routine. Allah (S) says in the Quran that people regret their time wasted on things that could’ve been spent in doing good deeds.
The Prophet Muhammad (saw) implored us to, “Remember often the destroyer of pleasures: death.” Not YOLO exactly, but live your life as if it were your last day.
In return Allah (S) promises those who do good an eternity in paradise. Here are 10 verses about Paradise in the Quran. May He make us, our families and communities the dwellers of Paradise, Insha’Allah.
5. Forgive often. We might feel the pangs of guilt when we find out someone who might have hurt us left this world. Maybe they wronged us. Maybe they denied hurting us. Maybe it was unintentional. However, forgiveness is a part of healing. It’s powerful to forgive. This doesn’t mean that we don’t acknowledge the pain, but rather we release it. We leave it to the Master of the world. Perhaps by releasing the pain and offering forgiveness, we also lessen the load of the loved one who passed and simultaneously we implore for our shortcomings to be overlooked.
With that said, we should also ask people for forgiveness. Oftentimes I see people say something like, “Please forgive me if I have wronged you intentionally or unintentionally” prior to going to hajj or during Ramadan. Let us continue this practice at all times. Let us check in with our heart, and those around us. Make forgiveness a practice of habit.
There was once a companion of the Prophet who was said to be “a person of Paradise,” who did ordinary deeds. His one extra deed was to forgive everyone before he went to bed. Also forgive yourself for your shortcomings. Repent for your mistakes and do better next time. (Here are some hadith about repentance.)
Whether grief is unexpected or expected, the process of grief can catch you off guard. Therefore explore your grief. Be curious about it. Sit with it. And know that there are good days ahead. Insha’Allah. We are meant to live joyously as best possible and to carry our grief.
God willing, you will be able to move forward with your grief and live your life with these lessons in mind.
This story was originally published in Haute Hijab’s blog The Haute Take.
Community News:
The Detroit Friendship House is looking for an ESL teacher.